What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 18:03
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ive learnt so much.
Do you have any problem dating a younger man?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
All the time i was locked up.
So whats the point in blame.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I think the readers, may guess!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
What is the most inappropriate experience you have had with a friend's daughter?
I said to her
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why is the covert narcissist actively avoiding me when they see me everyday?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why are most girls not open to the idea of anal sex?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why am I so afraid that gun owners have set traps to kill me outside my house or my car?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I will be 64.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Did you swallow cum the first time you sucked a penis?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why are daughters mean to their mothers?
I was very sick at this time too.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were not on the streets..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was in good health!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I waited trembling.
Would this be the day?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I never cut or harmed myself..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im still living with it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
This is soul school!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was 9 years of age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What did i know ?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was scared of men, in general
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
She found it foreign!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I don,t even have a pension.
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it wasn’t much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
She loved him until the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them